“I lost on Jeopardy, baby.”
-Weird Al Yankovich.

I have had people question whether writing this column will take time away from my business and cost me money.

The column is part of a master plan to bring me great riches.

I need (am banking on) my column to make me a celebrity and then for Alex Trebeck to allow me to participate in Celebrity Jeopardy.

When that happens, great riches are mine. If I can’t clean up in Celebrity Jeopardy, every high school, college and graduate school I have attended will revoke my degrees in shame.

Whether my grade school will allow me to hang on to my certificate would be debatable.

For the uninitiated, Jeopardy is one of the world’s most popular quiz shows that brings fairly intelligent people on the show and asks them fairly intelligent questions.

Then two weeks a year, they bring on fairly unintelligent celebrities, ask them questions that a third grader could answer and watch the celebrities not be able to answer them.

The greatest disillusionment is to see an actor who plays an intelligent character, exposed as a complete idiot when they hit Celebrity Jeopardy.

The best example is when the cast of Law and Order showed up. The guy who is the lead prosecutor (I don’t know his name but you know who I am talking about) plays a serious and pious attorney with good sense and judgment.

On Celebrity Jeopardy, the man did not remind you of an educated lawyer, he reminded you of a guy who quit showing up for class somewhere in junior high. His character on the show has no sense of humor and he does not look like a fun loving guy. However, on Celebrity Jeopardy, the man decided he was a comedian. A really bad comedian. The kind they used to bring a big hook out for in vaudeville.

I’m dying to get on the same show as him. I know I can clean up if he is the competition.

Of course, a lot of how you do in Jeopardy depends on the categories you get. If I get on and the categories are Kentucky basketball, annuities and 1970’s popular music, it will be a big night for me. A slight shift in categories to North Dakota basketball, grain futures and cello music would put me out of the game.

Even getting the category right can be tough depending on the questions. One night the final question on regular Jeopardy was Vice Presidents. I have a master’s in political science from Vanderbilt and my thesis advisor, Michael Nelson, is the world’s leading authority on Vice Presidents. I’ve read numerous books on the subject and used to be able to name every one.

I did not know the answer, which turned out to be Tipper Gore. Not only have I met Tipper on several occasions, I was one of Al Gore’s state coordinators when he ran for President in 1988 and met his entire family.

Maybe I should not be so hard on the Law and Order guy.

In my defense, the questions on Celebrity Jeopardy are a little less taxing than the one I missed playing along with real Jeopardy. Instead of the maiden name of the Vice President’s wife, they ask deep questions like “What is the name of George W. Bush’s father” and “what sport did O.J. Simpson play.”

Of course, you have to consider the celebrities are rich and they are playing for a charity. The charity is guaranteed a certain amount, no matter how badly the celebrity screws up. Thus, it lends to events like the Law and Order guy showing up and trying his hand at being a stand up comedian.

My strategy for riches is based on the idea that Alex Trebeck reads the Richmond Daily Register. I don’t know if he does but there is always a chance. When he opens my column, he will recognize that I need to be on Celebrity Jeopardy.

When I win, I will lord over the Law and Order gang, dance, do the Icky Shuffle and pull out a cell phone to announce the win to my friends. The act will make me as famous as Paris Hilton. The next year, the announcer will say that the celebrities are famous Richmond columnist Don McNay who went up against a bunch of no names from Law and Order. As long as I am matched up against them, I can take home the money in buckets.

It all comes down to Alex l reading the paper and calling me. I have not gotten in touch with the circulation department but I will have to consider an alternative plan for fame and wealth if it turns out Alex is not a reader.

Celebrity Jeopardy may be the quickest way to cash in but there have to be some other alternatives as well..
I’ll be looking for them while I wait for the call from Alex.

Don McNay is the President of McNay Settlement Group, considered a semi-celebrity in the structured settlement business, and waiting for a call from Celebrity Jeopardy.